I need help wording this.

jessebo's picture

I'm currently putting together a special order form my family-owned Travel Mug business.

The form will be next to our mugs in all of our locations.

Here are the stats for the form: Letter-sized, portrait, color. Heading across the top and one large picture of one of our mugs taking up the entire left side, and the order information on the right.

The heading is the thing I need help with. What I have so far is "Get any of our mugs personalized with your name" but I want to emphasize that anyone could put their logo or organization's name, anything they want, granted it isn't copywritten.

Any help would be great, editorializing is welcome.

Thanks for all of your help.

Dan Weaver's picture

Try: Personalize your Mug (face). You could make a graphic of someones face with there name on it. Then for a subhead: Your name, your logo, your orgization. Then a couple of lines of text explaining details. First thoughts

nicholasgross's picture

Try coffee on the inside, go nuts on the outside

flowersandchocolate's picture

this slightly repeats Dan's suggestion, and I don't know if it's a colloquialism, but how about something along the lines of "Get your mug on a mug"?

jessebo's picture

Some great ideas, thanks. >>Dan and >>flowersandchocolate that goes great with our current "mug shot's" campaign where I'm getting pictures of local well-known business owners holding our mugs. One such subject suggessted to me to create a photo within a photo. A lot like you were suggesting.

and >>nicholasgross I love your idea!! I may use that for a catchy tagline!

any more suggestions are quite welcome, I'll keep you posted.

jessebo's picture

okk here's my finished product, see what you think, lemme know if there's some faux pas that I commited. I'm still new to this

edit: here is a slightly edited version where I changed the wording slightly

Linda Cunningham's picture

I'd go with "Who are you?" and "What do you want?" -- keeps with the quasi-irreverent stuff on the top.

And in the lower right "Please, no registered images or wordings unless you are the rights holder." That makes it sound less awkward ("copywritten"? Blech!), and also covers things like registered marks, which are different than trademarks.

jessebo's picture

thanks for your input, this is exactly what I have been looking for

nicholasgross's picture

Yeah cool,

I can't believe you took my suggestion ha ha! :)
But..the original was 'try coffee on the inside, go nuts on the outside' I think it works a bit better because the two halves match: they're both suggestions to do something; try coffee, go nuts and the wordplay is a bit more obvious.

Also I don't think you need the craziness in the typeface as the joke is in the words themselves, if you use a straightfaced type face (something like this: linotype centennial type in your text on the right hand side) it delays the punchline and I think people are more likely to read it and get it,
anyway, that's all my humble opinion, it's your thing good luck with it I hope it suceeds

--N

nicholasgross's picture

sorry my link doesn't seem to work try following this
http://www.linotype.com/996/linotypecentennial-family.html

jessebo's picture

Nicholas are you saying for the entire heading to go with something straigt forward? or just replace the first line?

Thanks again for your input.

edit:

Here's what I changed it to

nicholasgross's picture

yeah, my opinion is to make the whole thing straight-faced, like all good comedy you need your straight man/funny man, clown/policeman combo. But enough personality in the type to draw interest, don't use times new roman for instance ;). If the type shouts 'I am zany', I think you lose the pleasure of being surprised by the punchline.

This is just a thought, I am but a humble Tasmanian Desktop publishing Officer :)

BTW I couldn't see whatever you changed it too

nicholasgross's picture

Ok, I see it now yeah, (I wonder what happened?) yeah I think that works better. Though I was thinking plain text, cause the black background still prepares you a bit too much for the change in tone...I think you the reader should discover that themselves. I hope this all makes sense :) feel free to regard, disregard at your convenience.

On the level of typog I'd perhaps leave a bit more space under the type, or have some kind of rule signifying the horizon between heading and orderform and close up the tracking and kerning

--N

jessebo's picture

I see, well, I'm learning by leaps and bounds everyday, I love this!

BTW, the upper version is the straightforward one, also saying "try coffee..." and the lower one is the original.

nicholasgross's picture

sorry kerning/leading not kerning/tracking ;). Yeah I realised the top one was the modified one

jessebo's picture

how's this?

jessebo's picture

how's this?


As you can see, I did two versions again, one dividing completely the catchphrase from the nitty gritty, the other just suggesting it.

By the way, I'm using the Adobe Jenson set for the heading

nicholasgross's picture

Ok I think the leading's too tight now!! I showed my wife, she likes the first one better so well, I'm about to go and see 49-up so my final parting comments are:

1. punctuation will work well in the heading, a comma a full-stop, it says read me, 'I'm a statement rather than a title'

2. if you drop the leading or size of the order form it will give the heading more room to breathe,

3. I would consider also droping the size of the heading font so that it plays on the left hand side without dominating all of the top

4. Kerning could be tightened

5. Nice Jensen

6. Thanks for humouring me

7. I really should go now arrrghh!!

:)

Linda Cunningham's picture

I'd lose that interrobang that leans right -- looks silly.

And....

Centre the "Personalize your mug" in the space (make it a sidebar, actually), kill the comma after "name", and add the small print stuff to the sidebar.

It's getting there! ;-)

jessebo's picture

thank you linda. Do you mean to say to center "Personalize your mug" vertically? Thanks for the continuing support.

Linda Cunningham's picture

And way too much word space with "Phone Number" and "Name or Personal Quote" (which I'd change to "Quote/Name").

Cap that "E" on "email" to be consistent too. You may or may not want to hyphenate "e-mail" depending on your mood. ;-)

Finally: maybe it's me, but I'd go for something like "Even if there's coffee on the inside/You can go nuts on the outside" -- I like a sentence that actually parses. (Silly moi!)

jessebo's picture

btw the above version is with "Adobe Caslon Pro" and the lower is with "Helvetica" as the face. Which do you prefer?

jessebo's picture

Gosh, those are simple and senseless mistakes, thank you for pointing them out.

jessebo's picture

P.S. I like your idea of re-wording the heading. I'm always lways willing to change.

Linda Cunningham's picture

Ah, you posted as I was typing! :-)

I like the top one much more (with the serif).

Now, if you could:

1. increase the font size on the "Who" and "What" lines,

2. drop down the size of the "Personalize" (should agree with the rest of the right-flush stuff), and

3. hose the asterisk stuff, and run it under "Personalize".

Am I being demanding? ;-)

Linda Cunningham's picture

I may be shot for admitting this, but I like Adobe's Caslon....

Especially that FF ligature, which is very subtle.

Linda Cunningham's picture

Um, and tighten up the line spacing on the "Personalize" -- it's too big....

Linda Cunningham's picture

And more leading above "What". ;-)

jessebo's picture

The asterisk does give a sense of formality that we are trying to avoid.


And no, you are not at all demanding, I have always been one to thrive on criticism.

jessebo's picture

I too was impressed with the ligature. Gosh you are such a help, I wish people would help me as much as you are on my other post. :-D

Linda Cunningham's picture

Much better!

Can you:

1. tweak the leading (more above "What"),

2. make the right-flush stuff all the same size, and small than "Who",

3. bold "Who" and "What" to make them pop,

4. change "it you would like 20 or more" to read "if you are ordering twenty or more", and last, but not least,

5. break the right-flush stuff to end with "mug", "or", "message.", "ordering".

I'm not screamingly crazy about Helvetica mixed in there: do you have another sans like Optima?

Linda Cunningham's picture

You still need to harmonize the font size on the right-flush stuff, I think.

What else are you looking for help with (and does this mean I get some free mugs? )?

Linda Cunningham's picture

Ooooh, and a space between the right paren on your area code and the phone number.

Linda Cunningham's picture

Geez, look at the time! I have a "thing" I need to be coherent for in the morning. Could you email me something, and I'll look at it before I go?

jessebo's picture

I think that's it. Whew, don't want to keep you up too late.

Check out my website, it needs work, but you can see what we do. All of the mugs feautre my brother's artwork and we put each one together as a family.

nicholasgross's picture

Wow, you're a good sport Jessebo to put up with our pushing and prodding. Really hope it works out for you.
cheers

Nick

flowersandchocolate's picture

I have a few suggestions about the "form" (it's kinda my speciality area) part – although it may be covering stuff that's already in the thread) but I won't be able to write anything for about 10 hours. If you would be interested let me know.

Cheers

timd's picture

I realise I am a little late here, can I suggest a shorter, catchier headline, for example,
Coffee inside, nuts outside

Followed by the personalize your mug lines (and include logo and any other options which might be applicable in that blurb, otherwise you might lose business because not every potential client will think of them, of course you will have to edit yourself but I think that reunions, for example, is worth including).

Then in two columns the form matter, you will need to give more space for the address and, to make it easier to complete, use rules/boxes to write the information.

Finally the bulk order and copyright notes I would return to using an asterisk to link those notes, although, instead of a double asterisk, a dagger.

Instead of copywritten you should (if you were still including it) use copyrighted.

It might be worth thinking about providing some kind of information about how you would prefer to receive artwork, or if you do the artwork yourself maybe a full size template for the client to sketch in an idea.

Tim

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